


One Last Night

by Raptory



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, F/F, I promise the happy ending will come, My First Fanfic, Post-Season/Series 02, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-12
Updated: 2015-08-19
Packaged: 2018-04-04 01:48:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4121680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raptory/pseuds/Raptory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This takes place post season 2 finale. Clarke has pretty much gone off the deep end and is obsessed with the idea justice means her living the rest of her life in as much pain as she can live through. In comes the most painful thing in her life right now, Lexa.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I had a dream I was dying..

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic, I like writing, but I'm sort of a perfectionist about it so it's really hard to push myself to write. However, this ship is ruining my life and I've read at least 70 clexa fics on this website and another 30 on another. I'd really love to work with someone on making these better and overall editing and such so if anyone wants to take that on message me, I'll love you 5ever. Anyways here's your angst. So much angst so much brooding. It'll have a happy ending probably. I'm aiming for around 50k+ words in the story.

Every night I dream of pulling that lever in the mountain. In the more merciful dreams before I can actually do so, the radiation burns appear on my skin. All the faces of the Mountain Men stare into the cameras, stare into me. As I collapse to the floor I wake up. On the worse nights, I pull the lever. I watch them all die, their screams fill the room. So does their bodies, when I look around to the lifeless piles of corpses around me one thing is the same for all of them. Those accusing eyes, they see me for what I am. A monster.

 

 

When we had finally returned to Camp Jaha after we got all our people out, I knew I couldn’t stay. There were some who looked at me and saw the monster as well, like Jasper. Worse yet there were some who looked at me and saw a hero, a leader. My stomach threatened a purge every time I saw it in someone's eyes. When I told Bellamy I was leaving he offered me forgiveness. Thinking that was what I needed, he had a good heart but it was the exact opposite. I did not deserve happiness and life, I did not deserve such an easy out as death either. I deserved pain and suffering. To feel the torment, I deserved, after all the lives I had stolen away, to many to count anymore. I deserved to feel the pain of all those stolen lives.

   I walked aimlessly, the only reason to it being an unknown path, willing fate to keep any faces from crossing my path. Step by step I stumbled through the forest. My steps much to sloppy, my soul to crushed to give my walk meaning. I fell often, my body becoming bruised and cut in the process. After two days, I must stop to forage for food, starving to death was much too easy. Death was not my answer, I had not earned such an escape. My hunting skills are lacking, but I set a few basic snares around where I set up a makeshift camp inside a small cave. I search the nearby area for any plants or berries I could eat as well, my options are more limited here, I don’t know what’s safe to eat with some of the foreign plants.

 

I consider just eating anything, as long as the plant isn’t lethal any harm would be fair, and it’d be food. I push the thought away though, those were not thoughts I had earned. A couple hours go by and I check one of my traps, much to my shock a rabbit is caught in one. I clean the rabbit and cook it over the fire in my cave, setting some aside for the rest of my journey. I needed to get to my goal, some fantasy land to find catharsis. I suppose it didn’t quite matter where I went, my release would come from my pain, from the journey. I lay down silently for some time before sleep overcomes me, and the nightmares press down into my chest once again. This goes on for weeks.

Fairly soon mindless stumbling and falling does not satisfy the monster in my belly, that demands suffering and pain, the one that calls out in the voices of dead children. I settle on training, I push my body until every muscle sears into my body. I practice stealth, remembering once Anya complaining how loud I was. Anya whose voice was among the dead that cried inside my soul now. I find a solid stick and make into a primitive staff. Drawing up memories of training with the Grounders and watching them train I mimic their movements as best I can, over and over. For weeks. I learn to become silent, making a spear I only allow myself any meat I can kill with it.

 

I become a shadow, barely a part of this world anymore. Only existing for darkness. This goes on for weeks and weeks. I keep track on a piece of bark, carving the days I’ve been out here into it with a small dagger I had brought along. I spend 6 months in the woods alone, coming into contact with mostly wild animals, with a few large scars to show for it. I did not see any other people in that time. Though on a few occasions I heard them, I hid until the silence draped over me again. The sound of the empty forest became my home, the sounds of its life were well known. It became easy to find any small thing out of place in the noise.

It had been on a night with one of the worse nightmares. This one gripped me harder than normal, stealing the air from my lungs and forcing down and to remain asleep, to remain in its hell. The dream became so violent and real, I felt a small amount of joy, maybe my heart would give out. Maybe this was my release, had I possibly atoned for my sins? I felt the weight on my arms press down and begin shaking. It had to be, finally my release. I felt a smile come, but it was broken by the sounds breaking through my dream. “Clarke! Clarke wake up! Clarke!” My heart skipped a beat at the sounds. That voice, oh I knew that voice. Once the beating in my chest resumed for a moment I slowly opened my eyes. If her voice had made me feel, Oh God, that face, those eyes.

 

My first reaction was so happy to get to see her, my heart filled with love and safety. My mind rebelled against the warmth, demanding it’s justice still. I must get her to leave, to never return. I cannot have this, I am not done with my suffering. I almost open my mouth to convey this before the second wave of emotions crashes into me. They come with the memory of her betrayal, with her face as she tells me what she has done. With the painful image of her turning her back on me and walking away, leaving my people to die. Leaving me to break. It is the worst pain I have felt since beginning this endeavor, all encompassing and ruthless. I almost tell her to leave, but then I realize what I’ve been given. Catharsis. I had sought suffering, and now my greatest pain stood before me. I open my mouth to get out the most important thing, what I need from her so much now. “Stay.”

 ****  
  


Her face gives away her shock, just for a moment before smoothing over to that controlled stoic face she plasters for the world. After how we left things off I can’t imagine that was the reaction she was expecting from me. She paused for a moment before speaking. “No one has seen you in months Clarke, your people fear you had died. I.. What are you doing out here?” I stare at her for a minute, choosing my words carefully, masking my goals, my desires, both past and present. “Looking for answers, for peace. Nothing my people had to offer me, nothing I could offer my people.” She stares at me blanky for awhile more, “I will take you back to them, they’re worried, your mother, your friends.” Her brow furrows for a moment looking at me closer, “You look like hell Clarke.” she mutters, seemingly more for herself than me.

 

She goes to stand up, but I grab her hand before she can fully straighten up. “No” the word barely make any real sound. I repeat it to ensure she can actually hear me, with more force the second time. “Clarke?” Her face does not hide her emotions anymore, confusion is plastered across it, worry seated deep in her eyes. I close my eyes and my heart soars, right after the warmth the pain rips through my heart and my bones. I relish in it for a moment, I can’t for too long, not yet. I inhale deeply before opening my eyes again and staring into hers once more. “No Lexa, I can’t go back there. I won’t.” The confusion on her face gives way to some frustration as well, her stare intensifies before she speaks again, she lingers on my name. “Clarke… you are not well, you cannot stay holed up in caves wandering the forest alone.” Her caring words stab into me like little searing knives, from head to toes. I can’t go back, I can’t leave her, I can’t give up this feeling, my justice, sweet beautiful green eyed justice.

The way I’m slumped in the cave looks broken and damaged, but I know my body is strong. I am stronger than when I first entered these woods. I stand up as Lexa watches me wearily. “I’m fine, better even. I’ve been training. I’m very healthy.” I use these words to assure her there is no need to fear, to insist on my return to my people. Her eyes grow dark though and fill with concern. “Clarke, I did not mean your body.” She considers her words for a few seconds before starting again. “There is no life in your eyes. There is something else, something very.. unwell.” I bite my lip and steady myself. Her words are true, wrapped in worry and fear. I close my eyes again and focus on my breathing, in slowly, out slowly. Taking longer on each breath waiting, hoping, begging for her to make an offer. One I had heard 6 months ago when it had held less pain when I had held less death. We sit silently together for 15 minutes, I listen to her breath calm and even, waiting for any signs from me.

 

 

Figuring that she would be offered no more information from me, only more refusals to return to my people, she gave me my wish. “Clarke..” I hear the love in her voice, it stabs into my heart. I open my eyes again and stare into hers, still silent, still waiting. “Clarke… come with me to Polis?” Fire rips through my body, burning hottest in my heart. I smile at the pain, then I smile at her. “That I can do” I let the words tumble out of my mouth softly, giving the words just an ounce of relief to them. I grab her hand and pull her down next to me. Lexa lays next to me without fighting and I lay my head against her chest. She whispers about leaving at first light. I nod into her and let sleep overcome me once more. Tonight I do not dream of the mountain. I dream of endless fire of it, consuming every part of my soul, and I burrow closer to her for it.

 ****  
  
  


**Lexa’s POV**

   Clarke’s body thrashed and her breathing was laboured and panicked. I watched her dream like this for a while, every so often she would press closer to me. This contact never seemed to make the dreams better as I would hope but worse. I had tried to pull away earlier, but Clarke had latched on preventing my attempt. She was so beautiful, even broken she was so incredibly beautiful. Her eyes broke my heart though, the heart I was no longer suppose to even have. Her eyes used to be so full of life, passion and love. Now all of that was gone, replaced with pain and death. I wish I could kiss her, chase away the demons that were stealing away all her life, but I knew that action would only give them strength. I mull over the exact reason for Clarke agreeing to return to Polis with me, cringing in the knowledge that the reasons were undoubtedly bad.  

   At least I can watch over her if she’s with me, she hadn’t been lacking in getting herself hurt while in the forest. She seems to have kept herself fed and healthy, but her body is covered in scars and bruises. At least when she’s with you nothing worse can happen to her, she will live through this pain. She was strong and she would overcome the weight in her soul. I can’t help but selfishly wish that on the other side of it all she would be with me.

 

Maybe after all this pain we could be together. I shake my head, I do not deserve her forgiveness. I know I made the right choice as a leader, a choice I would make again, with my head always. Not my heart. My heart though, it shattered at hearing the deal, burned itself up when it heard me accept. I do not know if my heart would ever forgive the choice I made with me head either, it would be wrong for Clarke’s to even consider it as well. The sigh I let out is much louder than it should have been and Clarke begins to stir next to me. Her eyes flutter open and stare up at me, but she says nothing. We lay like this for a few minutes before I stand up.

   “We should get moving, I have been absent too long already.” I declare, at this point my absence is not of major concern, Indra can take care of any issues that come up until I return. I fear Clarke will change her mind about coming with me if she is given too much time to think about it. Whatever she is getting from coming with me, I fear it is not enough to override any hate she harbours against my actions for too long. She stands and begins to gather her things silently before turning to me with the faintest unsettling smile.

 

“Lead the way _Heda_ we have a lot of ground to cover I assume.” I simply nod in response and we walk to my horse. “I hope you do not mind riding with me” I watch her carefully as I say this, she has become good at controlling her emotions and her facial expressions in her time. I cannot gather any information on her feelings about my statement. She merely looks up at me with a blank expression, “We will get there much faster this way.”

   Everything about her is so wrong right now, whatever sits in Clarke's eye now is not the Sky Princess who fell from the sky months earlier. I mount my horse and reach my hand down to Clarke to help her up. She settle in and wraps her arms around my waist, and suddenly I can’t breath. Love is weakness. I turn my head briefly and stare back at Clarke, and I am weak.

 


	2. Tools to destroy my heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Human contact helps with a frozen heart. They continue on to Polis and the silence is slowly broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I felt a little bad because Dark Clarke seemed to be liked but this is not where my muse has taken me. Mostly because I'm a pureblooded Clexa shipping garbage can. Trying to ease into things but she won't stay. Enjoy hope you guys like it.

It will take two days to reach Polis on horseback. I savor the pain I get from Lexa’s touch until then. She hasn’t said anything to me since we left this morning, she looked back at once more since then her face of someone trying to solve an impossibly complex problem. Despite all the work into my physical strength riding a horse puts a strain on muscles I had yet to reach, when we finally set up camp once more I allow myself a quick smile at the burning muscles of my lower half. I look up to see Lexa’s eyes narrow suspiciously at me. I figure she knows something is up but has yet to comment on it since we left the cave this morning. She finishes setting up camp before staring at me intently. "We'll be meeting up with my guards soon then we shall finish our journey to Polis together." 

I flinch after she says this, though it’s fairly predictable. The woods are a dangerous place to travel alone for someone such as Lexa. Still a small part of me had hoped we would make our way to Polis alone. She pauses for only a moment before continuing, “I’m going to hunt, I will return shortly.” walking away with a bow in hand. I sit motionless taking in my surroundings, learning the sound of its quiet. Once I’m satisfied I know the spot well enough I stroll over to my pack and pull out my staff. I begin to practice my motions and strikes, going through the sets again and again. After an hour or so Lexa returns with several rabbits slung over her shoulder.

She quickly cleans the rabbits and puts them over the fire to cook before turning to me and staring. Maybe it was the fact that I hadn’t been around another person in 6 months but this got really unnerving very quickly. I wait for about half an hour more before finally turning to her, “You know staring is rude right.” I wasn’t here for her to try to peer into my soul, that was my mess. She just narrowed her eyes at me and walked off into the woods.

I begin to think being in Lexa’s company may not be worth the surge it gave to my personal demons. I was supposed to be serving my suffering not feelings like an irritated child. I got too caught up in my own brooding that I did not hear Lexa return and crouch down right in front of where I was sitting. “Do you remember what I told you in Ton DC Clarke?” she paused not really expecting nor wanting an actual answer from me. “The dead are gone, and the living are hungry. You do no one, dead or alive, justice in causing your own suffering.” I guess I hadn’t been as sneaky about my intentions on this trip as I had originally thought. 

“You have no right to tell me anything on how I deal with this. You **caused** it.” I spat at her. She stood up, “I do not regret my choice Clarke, it was the right thing to do as a leader, no matter who it hurt. Just as you did what was best for your people despite its personal cost.” She looked like she was about to walk away but instead added quietly, “I as Lexa, do regret hurting you. However more than Lexa, I am Heda, Clarke. I will protect my people before myself always.” with that she did walk away to the edge of the camp and began to keep watch.

I felt a slight drop of guilt in my heart but pushed it away. She deserved my anger as much as I deserved my suffering, no matter if I did understand her choice, or if I would have made the same one. That broke through my anger for a moment and I realized I did, Lexa’s choice left us for dead, but we had a chance. My choice was just a flat out a massacre. I hung my head, these were not the feelings I had been chasing after when I agreed to come with Lexa. These brought me not satisfaction. The dead had been quiet in my head through this interaction, but they soon begin to scream again.

xxxxxxx

Lexa’s guards arrive shortly before sunset and finish setting up the camp with their tents. I had laid down on my bedroll shortly after my conversation, well Lexa’s conversation with me and had not risen since. I had opted to let the voices of the dead dig into my skin as today's offering. My efforts to give anything more had been ending poorly as of late so it had to do. I tune into their conversation sometime after the sun had set and a few of them sat around the fire while the other patrolled. They are speaking Trigedasleng while I had begun to learn the language I was still a bit rusty. The conversation mostly centered around these last few days before meeting back up with their Heda. 

All of a sudden Lexa silences everyone and stands up, there is a heavy fast thudding approaching the camp from the woods with a sickening familiar sound to it. Alarm flashed across Lexa’s face before she let out a breath, “Monaw.” Her warriors immediately form a protective circle with Lexa in the middle. She turns to me shouting for me to come to her, but the beast breaks into the clearing heading for the first warrior beating them much like the first time I remember a Monaw. It quickly kills the man and then I watch in horror as it flings itself at Lexa. I inhale sharply and remind myself for a split second, this time I’m not scared, this time I’m ready. I had drawn my gun before the beast had arrived and fired 4 shots into it’s back. I knew it would only stun the creature though, and took the opportunity to lunge and drive the sword Lexa had given to me into its shoulder. The rest of Lexa’s warriors jumped on the chance and stabbed into the mutant gorilla as well. 

It’s body slumps down dead in front of Lexa and she stares down at it and then looks up at me. She doesn’t hide the shock on her face initially, all her warriors are staring at me as well, looking slightly impressed and slightly afraid. She clears up her face and returns to her controlled expressions, “I see you really were busy these last few months, good work Clarke.” She orders two of her warriors to use the Monaw for meat and simply sits back down around the fire. I glare at her before returning to my bedroll. This trip has proven less and less helpful, but I can’t help but notice every time I look at her I don’t hear the screams. I sigh loudly, but as soon as I look away they get so much louder, reminding me I cannot get away.

When I finally drift to sleep my dreams do not center around my suffering for the first time in half a year. Instead, they replay the night of Lexa’s betrayal over and over. At first I cry out in anger over what she has done, but after awhile I begin to quiet, my own choices to come hang in the air, over and over. Eventually, I do not even stop her, I just nod. I understand. I wake with a start gasping for air, I hear Lexa a few feet away approach me quickly. “Clarke? Are you hurt?” her voice barely masks the worry she feels. “Fine, just.. just a dream.” I stutter out. I stare into her eyes and take in the quiet of my soul. Maybe I did deserve to suffer but it felt so light not having to hear those screams day and night. She nods at me and goes to return to where she had been standing, but I grab her arm. “Stay with me.” She hesitates, clearing her face to a completely neutral expression before slowly nodding and laying down next to me. “We will continue on in a few hours,” she says softly, almost like she is afraid to break the moment. 

I curl my body up against hers and let out a breath. Lexa was no doubt a very dangerous drug to me. Much more than I had originally thought, she did not add to my suffering. She silenced it, all my demons running in fear of the Commander. I shuddered in fear, which Lexa responded to by wrapping her arm around me and holding me tightly. Yes, Lexa made my demons run, but Lexa would not always be by my side, and those screams would surely always know where to find me. I decided for now it was worth the risk, I would deal with the guilt and the dead’s anger when she left next. For now I would enjoy the small peace I had, and the slightest shimmer of healing, that my punishment might be nearing an end. 

xxxxxxxx

I wake up again to Lexa’s hand moving some hair out of my face, I turn slightly to look at her and can almost see a blush appear on her cheeks, but she quickly stands up. “We head out shortly Clarke, be ready to go,” before quickly hurrying off to assist her warriors with packing up the rest of camps and getting the horses ready. It was kinda cute the way she got all flustered like that. I shook my head roughly, those were stupid thoughts to have. Whatever Lexa was to her now it could never last, I could not lie to myself anymore and claim I hated her, that was very far from true. I most certainly did not trust her though. Not due to a lack of honesty, she had always made her intentions to her people very clear, but in doing so she could never be trusted by anyone who did not fall into that category. 

We all mount up and head out soon afterward and I settle up against Lexa once more. Her warriors ride ahead of us and behind us, just enough room to allow for some privacy, I wonder if Lexa had ordered it or if they had observed the previous nights sleeping arrangements. I begin to hum a tune from a song from before the war, music was weightless so much of it had been able to be preserved on the Ark. _I won’t fall in love with falling, I will try to avoid those eyes, cause I’m not sure I want to give you tools that can destroy my heart._ We’re quiet for a good portion of the morning riding in a peaceful silence. I feel the same guilt over the peace as I have each time it has occurred, but I can’t bring myself to banish it away. 

We stop by a stream for a short break, Lexa sends her warriors to scout ahead some before returning to me next to the rushing water. She looks at me with that gaze that I had become aware was filled with longing, much like the one right before she had kissed me, right before she had left. I slid closer to her, allowing our legs to touch and our shoulders bump into one another. She stiffens up for a brief moment but quickly relaxes into my touch. We stay like this, allowing the sunlight peaking through the trees to warm our skin. Lexa keeps looking over to me like she desperately wants to say something to me. It’s a new experience, the Commander being uncertain. I almost smile at it and Lexa notices and finally goes to say something.  


I’m not quite ready for words to be introduced into our situation so I do the first thing that comes to mind, a mutual desire without a doubt. My lips meet hers before she can utter a single sound. Once again I can feel her body react in shock, but even quicker than before she adjusts and kisses me back. The kiss is not sweet and soft like our first one, but raw and needy. Eventually, I pull away both of us panting for air. I cringe internally knowing I have just added a new item to my growing addictions surrounding Lexa. I speak before she has a chance to, “I.. I still can’t do a relationship, maybe even less than before but.. I want that, this quiet, just this quiet passion.” I pause and look at her trying to gauge what she’s thinking, and failing as normal. “You make things quiet down inside me, and I need that. But I need the pain to Lexa, it has to be satisfied and I’m not sure it’s done yet.” I trail off towards the end and stare at her, still breathing heavy. “Do what you must to heal Clarke” Her voice was neutral and gave away nothing, but as I stared into her eye I saw the pain behind the statement, and it gave me no satisfaction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I also have some temporary bad/kinda good news. I'm going on a 7 week long mission trip with little to no internet access in 6 days so updates will probably not happen during that time. HOWEVER if I can I will try to post a few, if nothing else I'm bringing a good old fashion paper pad and pen and will write during the time and when I get back we should have plenty of Clexa trash for you to consume. I'm going to try to post one more chapter before I go. 
> 
> Anyways feel free to review/comment/help/suggest yada yada
> 
> Also the song Clarke hums is Air Catcher by twentyonepilots


	3. Cause lately I've been waking up alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Polis is in sights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So heyyy I'm back. I actually only wrote one chapter while I was gone and I hate it with everything I am. However!!! It does make a good outline for the next few chapters and helps me slow the pace down a bit. (I want them to be in love and making out rn but it's far to soon in the story so I have to force myself not to rush into it.) This chapter is a bit short and actually early and also kinda unedited but it's only out right now because Southwest loves you guys and my connecting flight was delayed two hours so I could finally sit down and transfer it to type type ja feel. Anyways here it is kinda slow chapter but needed it to feel right in the big picture.

After Lexa and I had rested some we return on our journey to Polis, I followed her silently my mind a million miles away. There was no denying that she made me feel things, things I had tried to bury away since that fateful day on the Mt. The more I tried to bury these feelings now the stronger and more demanding they seemed to become. I can't help but fear how dangerously close to good they are. Finally I can't help it and let out an exasperated sigh to which I feel Lexa stiffen immediately, however she does not comment. A wave of guilt comes crashing through me, I have resolved not to kiss Lexa again. It was one thing to go and seek my own pain and suffering, but I was done inflicting it on others. No matter if she deserved it or not. 

That leads to a whole other spiral in my head. I could hardly say she lied to me, in fact, she had been rather truthful. She did what was best for her people, as she always said she would. She made the choice with her head and not her heart, as she always said she would. Her words still echoing in my head “I do care Clarke.” they bring more pain than comfort to me still. I can feel my heart begging for her, for the forgiveness and comfort she could offer me, however the demons in my heart will not allow it, the screams of the dead refuse to even let me consider forgiving her, or myself. Any time I try I see her walking away from me in front of that door, leaving my people for dead, leaving me for dead. The faces of the Mt blind me from going down any path besides the one of suffering. It was much more likely Lexa and I were both doomed to never be forgiven. forsaken on this Earth until our last breaths. 

Suddenly as we began to ride up a hill Lexa perks up. “You’ll be able to see Polis after we reach the top of this hill.” her voice betrayed it’s normal controlled tone and was filled with excitement, anticipation and even some worry. She turned her head to me for the first time in hours. “It really will change the way you think about us.” Her voice is soft, like the words could fall apart and break. The emphasis she put on the word us giving way to the hidden “me” in it. She stares at me for a moment longer before facing forward once more. She spurs the horse on just a little bit faster and says no more. When we reach the top and the city appears on the skyline I let out a sharp gasp. It was stunning, big and glorious, an old war relic. The building reach towards the sky, some clearly damaged, others retaining the same glory they held before the war. 

Closer to the ground there are a mixture of small pre-war buildings, and newer huts surrounding the city. The area was full of life and activity, tents and stalls all through the streets. To top it all off there was an imposing metal wall surrounding the entire city, it reminded me of The Great Wall of China I had read about on the ark, but instead of the stone I had seen in the pictures, this wall was composed of metal, wood and brick. It’s one of the most beautiful sights I’ve seen on the Earth yet, glancing at Lexa while she stared at me, judging my reaction before I turn my gaze back to the city, maybe not the most beautiful I decide but stunning none the less. I finally respond to her previous comment. “Maybe it will.” and a small part of me desperately wishes it does.

It doesn’t take much longer for us to reach the gates from there. The ride down flies by faster than any other point of the trip. As we approach I see a flurry of movements come from the top of the wall and shouts soon fill the air. I’m distracted from all going on up on the wall by the load groan that breaks through the air as the huge metal gates begin to open up in front of us. From inside the city the shouts are even louder and I can see a crowd beginning to form farther in. A small group of guards emerge and meet up with the rest of our party. I can hear faintly shouts of “Heda” and “Commander” as we enter into the city. As we dismount from our horses Lexa wastes no time and begins shouting orders I cannot understand to the people surrounding us.

Finally Lexa turns around to address me, her face as stoic and controlled as ever. “A room in my home shall be prepared for you, I'll assign a guard to so you can explore the city to your liking.” she paused and watched me carefully waiting for a reaction from me, after she is met with nothing but a blank stare from me she continues on. “I have to attend to a matter briefly, you'll wait here, afterward I'll escort us to our home.” I don't miss the way she said our and my jaw clenches. I finally find my voice to speak up, “I don't need a guard.” It's true, if someone going to try to kill me let them try. Worst comes to worst is they actually kill me and honestly that wouldn't be so bad. Before I can get to lost in my own thoughts I notice Lexa glaring at me. “It is not a request, you will be guarded.” It dawns on me she might be less concerned with what others seek to do to me and more with what I seek to do to myself. I feel like lashing out at her, she has no right to interfere with my justice. 

I open my mouth to speak but she cuts me off “Take them for my benefit then, not for your own.” Her eyes are pleading, showing a rare moment of humanity in her. My mouth slowly close and I give her a small nod. I guess it did not matter if I was guarded, probably best, couldn't get out of my suffering to soon. Death was still a long ways off for me, no use rushing towards a reward I had yet to earn. The screams of the dead echoed their agreement. Lexa nodded slightly at me “Good.” she turned and walked towards some tents and left me with to rather burly looking grounders. I leaned against a nearby tree and closed my eyes, venturing towards my nightmares to sooth my guilt of any comfort taken on the trip. 

I'm awakened by the chanting. “Heda! Heda! Heda!” the small crowd cheers as I see Lexa emerge from the tent she had entered. Judging by the darkening sky she had been in there for a few hours. I shake off the last of the ghostly screams from my dreams and stand back up to observe. The people have looks of pure adoration and reverence on their faces as they crane to see Lexa. I can't help but be surprised. All I knew of Lexa was the ruthless leader she was during war. But here it seemed like she was something so much more, the respect was clear, but the love of her people was even greater. I watched as Lexa engaged with the crowd of people briefly, offering them a small smile before turning back towards and walking my way. Her eyes met mine and once again something flashed across her face, gone before I could pinpoint whatever it was. 

She stopped in front of me and we stared at each other silently for a moment before she extended her arm towards deeper into the city. “We may go now.” Despite the fact I knew there was really no choice in her words they still sounded faintly like a question. “Then let us go.” the words are dry, my stomach twisting violently now that we were actually about to go into her home. A part of me wanted to turn and leave still, find my pain in the woods once more, where I knew no one would threaten my suffering. Not that I even think Lexa would allow me to leave, that scowl she wears most of the time when she sneaks glances at me when she assumes I'm not looking (she is wrong.) Another part freezes up my decisions, not allowing my body the push it needs to run, gripping on to me whispering the most dangerous things about resolutions and peace. 

Lexa begins walking and I hesitate for only a moment before I follow her. She leads us through winding streets full of color and life (I can't help but notice how out of place my heart is in this place.) Soon were in an area clearly full of nothing but homes. The deeper we walk into this area, the closer to the center, the houses become slightly larger (from what I can see of the insides, they're probably closer to barracks than houses.) before we finally arrive to a home that looks partly pre war, with obvious newer additions. The door looks, well, regal. Made of a heavy dark wood with intricate carvings covering the entire thing, at the center of it being the symbol Lexa wears between her eyes during war. Once we stand in front of the door Lexa speaks up again softly. “The first Commander carved it, this was her home before the war. The additions to the house have been made by each of the Commanders since. “ I'm surprised by this information, Lexa never talked much about the Commanders before her. “Do you live here by yourself?” the house is rather large with all it's additions, much larger then needed for one person. “Workers stay inside, as well as some guards and any guests of mine.” She's watching me carefully again before opening the door and stepping inside with me. 

The inside is beautiful, even more alive than what I had seen walking here. I feel like vomiting I am so out of place here. There is art, from so many artists, different styles and forms. Full of the life Polis fosters for the grounders. So much more colorful than I would have ever guessed from the Commanders home. There is far to much life in this home, to much love, of a people, a culture, a city, for my soul to be here. I am death, destruction and chaos and I cannot be here. I stumble slightly, falling forward. Lexa is there before I can hit the floor, catching me gently in her arms. “Clarke?! Are you okay? Do I need to fetch a healer?” She does not hide the panic in her voice. The concern, the love. I turn to look at her face, if the love in her voice made me feel like throwing up, the look on her face. Love. Love and worry. There was no more threat of vomiting, I quickly pushed her off of me and let the contents of my stomach go before the world around me goes black to the sound of screaming dead children.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My semester starts the 24th but I'll still be writing. It's a better vice then some of my old ones. I'll aim for once a week or more for updates. I'll try my best to keep the tense the same but I suck so yeah whoops. Comments concerns bitches or complaints always welcome thanks kk bia
> 
> Also Chicago was great if anyone was wondering. Much mission very trip.

**Author's Note:**

> Please feel free to review and such it'd be a great help.


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